Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart
by ZenOne
Summary: Six months after the rebellion, Katniss is a broken shell of a girl, nightmares and the memory of Peeta plague her. Why hasn't he returned to her? Katniss escapes into the woods in attempt to flee reality, if only for a bit. Where she soon soon discovers she is not alone.


FAGEtastic Four

Title: Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart

Written for: 4CullensandaBlack

Written By: Zenoneness Fanfiction/Zenone

Rating: M

Summary/Prompt used: Into the woods

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******Many thanks to my beta Readingmama and Izzie Yimenez without them my words would be just a whole bunch of nonsense and of course without Readingmama FAGE wouldn't exist. Thank you from the bottom of my heart babes. Shout-outs to my pre-readers TLCullen132 and DazzleMe Often…. ILY ladies! ~Mwah~**

Ro Northman made me a beautiful banner for this story. Thanks you so much babe!

***Please be gentle with me…this is the first time I've written anything that isn't Twi-related.  
**

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_Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires._  
_**Francois de La Rochefoucauld**_

I woke up thrashing, sobbing loudly and drenched in sweat, while hot tears streamed down my face. I didn't even bother reaching out in search of comfort; it was no use. I knew there was no one else with me. Despair ripped through my already bleeding heart. My sleep addled mind played cruel tricks on me as I thought, _what if?_ What if I could take everything back? What if they could all just miraculously come back to me?

I was still breathing heavily, my body shaking violently when common sense took over and the weight of reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I would always be alone, with nothing and no one to comfort me.

Well, that wasn't entirely true… there was Buttercup, who reminded me of his presence by hissing from the bottom of the bed. But ours was a complicated relationship, even though he annoyed me, I couldn't bring myself to get rid of the pesky cat. Buttercup was the only worldly tie to sister Prim. I guess I sort of unwillingly inherited him after she was murdered by the rebels.

I sat up in bed, tossing the bedcovers aside, which earned me another hiss from the always pissed off cat.

It had been almost six months; six long grueling months of trying to forget, to block out the Games, and the events that followed them. It was easier to forget during the day, I kept myself busy, with anything and everything. Moving stuff around, cleaning and rebuilding the town, but as soon as my eyes were closed, images of all that took place bombarded my brain; all the tributes; everyone I had seen die before my eyes; the horror of the games; all of it came rushing back to me in my nightmares, and there was nothing I could do about it.

I got off the bed and dressed in my hunting clothes. I needed to get outside into the open; it felt as if the very walls of the house were closing in on me, trying to suffocate me. The sun was almost up anyway, no use trying to go back to sleep. Maybe a day in the woods was just what I needed.

The wind on my face revived my senses as I ran toward my destination and my hair whipped across my face. I had not braided my hair since the day Prim died. My mind began to wander and wonder about the mechanics of all that had taken place, beginning with the day of the reaping when Prim's name was called. I would never forget the way my heart fell to my feet, the way my body trembled, the way I felt, shock at first, then fear followed by disgust with the capital for their cruel, cruel ways and finally, determination to protect my sister no matter what the cost. I had had an out of body experience when I shouted out those fateful words that began the whole ordeal, "I volunteer! I volunteer as tribute."

Those were the words that had sealed everyone's fate and paved the way for the actions leading up to the destruction of the capital, the slaughter of my sister and the loss of thousands of lives. We had earned our freedom but it had been painful, grueling and costly. But, I suppose sovereignty always comes with a price. I would have gladly traded places with Prim and died in her stead if it meant she would have been able to live in peace and without fear. Except fate was cruel and dealt me the bad end of the deal. I had to live alone in the world with a guilty conscience.

Haymitch told me that I mustn't blame myself for any of it. What happened was in no way my fault. I supposed part of me knew he was right, but no matter what he said, it didn't make the hurt I felt dissipate.

I couldn't help but feel responsible for it all, and did not blame my mother for abandoning me for life in the capital. I mean, it wasn't as if we really got along before Prim's death. I was positive if she had come back to live in district twelve she would have lost what little grasp on sanity she had left. She wouldn't be able to look upon my face without remembering that because of me, Prim was dead.

Sometimes I regret my choices –not where Prim is concerned- but my choices when it came to Peeta. If I had been able to realize beforehand that I loved him, perhaps all would have been well. Snow wouldn't have worked so hard to destroy what little life I had. But it took another round of Hunger Games, and an all out war for me to realize that I couldn't live without my bread boy, no matter what "obligation" I had thought I owed Gale, Peeta was the one who I couldn't survive without. My heart ached whenever I thought of him. I knew in my heart that if I were ever to see him again I would confess my love for him just like he had once confessed his love to me.

Unfortunately, it seemed Peeta, no longer loved me. It had been five months and he hadn't returned or even attempted to contact me. Six months of longing for him, missing him, craving his touch and regretting every hurtful thing I had ever said and done to him.

Haymitch had mentioned a few times that Peeta was undergoing a lot of mental therapy to undo the damage Former President Snow had done to him. He never indicated if he thought Peeta would eventually return to District Twelve or not.

As I neared the once vertical electric fence –it was now only semi standing- I couldn't help but pause to look around, call it force of habit, over cautiousness or whatever you want. I bent down, grabbed a stone off the ground and tossed it at the barrier. Better safe than sorry- or electrocuted to death. I knew the fence hadn't been reactivated, nor would it be again. But old habits die hard, I wasn't about to take my chances….or perhaps death would alleviate me of my guilt and pain? Knowing my luck, I would probably end up screwing up my death too.

Yeah, I'd get electrocuted, but wouldn't die; I'd live as an invalid for the rest of my pathetic life.  
I could see it now… "Katniss Everdeen, girl on fire, the face of the rebellion confined to a wheelchair. She may have survived the games, but her own back yard is what brought her down." Humiliation was not something I wanted, nor was it something Effie would approve of.

Ah, Effie, another person who had come to live in District Twelve, she and Haymitch had a "thing" going for them. Apparently they had fallen in love. It was sick to watch, they way those two were almost always glued at the hip, and the way Haymitch hung on to her every word. It seemed like he had found another addiction after giving up the bottle-Effie-

But I digress, and maybe I was a bit jealous that they had someone to love whereas I had no one. And I have to admit, Haymitch is much more pleasant to be around since he realized he actually liked Effie.

Upon realizing that the fence was indeed not activated, I climbed over it and treaded carefully into the green woods, careful to be quiet. I didn't want to disturb the animals I was about to hunt.

I breathed in the morning dew and observed my surroundings. I had to admit, the beauty and serenity of the forest never ceases to amazing. It was one thing the Capital did not destroy.

My chest began to ache as I recalled my hunting days with Gale. I always half expected him to jump out from behind a tree and ask, "What are you hunting today, Catnip?"

Sorrow ate at my heart as the memories flooded through my thoughts. I felt dirty, filthy even. My guilty conscious made me feel the lowest of lowlifes. I had no right to miss them; everything that happened was because of me. But miss them I did.

Before I became conscious what I had been doing, I was breathing heavily and standing in front of the cottage I had used to come to with my father as a young girl. I had been back a few times after returning home and kept it stocked with the necessities. Unable to enter it just then, I opted for shedding my clothes and going for a swim in the pond in front of it. The ice cold water lapped at my bare skin, causing goose bumps to appear on my skin.

Once I was in the middle of the pond, I allowed myself to relax in attempt to get rid of my depressing mood. My mind began to wander back to thoughts of Peeta and our last "real" kiss. The feelings I had tried to repress surfaced , I had unknowingly wanted so much more from Peeta, if only I had realized it. I guess what they say is true; absence does make the heart grow fonder.

I remembered the way his fingers trailed across my skin, the way our mouths met. We fit perfectly together, with no real awkwardness between us; it had all been in my mind. My body ached to feel his touch in other places. I was so lost in my thoughts, I failed to notice that I was not alone, I let out a loud scream of terror when I felt a warm body press up against me from behind, and strong muscled arms encompassed me.

"Shh," the intruder whispered into my ear.

I struggled against him, and became fully aware that we were both naked, I was miles away from anyone who could hear me, let alone save me and my weapons were nowhere within my reach.

"Katniss, for once in your life will you please stop fighting me?"

I gasped; surely I was daydreaming, for there was no way Peeta could have been in the water with me.

_I really must be messed up in the head…or desperate…or both. _

_The hell with it,_I decided, if daydreams were all I had of him then I would willingly take them, beggars couldn't be choosers. I leaned against him.

"That's my girl," he murmured while trailing kisses up and down the side of my neck.

"Peeta," I breathed, reaching back, I wrapped my arms around his neck, fully believing I was dreaming.

"Uh-huh?" he said as his hands came up to cup my breasts.

"I miss you so much. Why haven't you come back to me?" I asked, enjoying the way imaginary Peeta was making my body feel.

"I am back," Peeta mumbled against my neck while continuing to caress my body.

"You're only a dream," I whispered sadly, closing my eyes and fighting against the tears that threatened to escape.

"Turn around," he ordered.

I didn't have the heart to comply, I feared disappointment if I did. I felt him slowly turn me to face him.

"Open your eyes."

I shook my head, refusing to face whatever cruel reality my daydream had in store for me, I would have rather remained in blissful ignorance than face the fact that I was alone in the woods talking to an imaginary Peeta.

He grabbed my hand and pressed it to his chest. I felt the warmth of his skin and the racing beat of his heart under my fingertips.

"You feel that, Katniss? My heart beats this way only when I'm near you. I would gladly die a thousand deaths, get stung by a million tracker jackers if it meant I could be with you in the end," he said huskily.

"You're not real, you aren't here." I shook my head, still not opening my eyes.

"I am here, and I assure you that I am real, sweetheart, open your eyes and take a look," he murmured as his fingers wiped away my tears.

I shivered slightly; the cold water chilled me to the bone.

"No," I refused.

I felt his warm breath fan across my cheeks.

"Please?" he begged.

"Kiss me, and I might," I said.

One of Peeta's hands wrapped around my waist, pulling me toward him he I felt him lower his head as his other hand came around my neck. I held my breath, waiting to wake up from this torturous dream.

His lips met mine; he kissed me gently at first and I bit back a sob_, I am completely losing it. _I began kissing him back frantically, taking whatever I could get. He moaned softly when I grabbed onto his neck and wrapped my legs around his middle. I felt him down there and wanted nothing more than to feel him everywhere. His length pulsed against me. _Is this how it was supposed to be?_

My eyes flew open, and I willed myself to face the cruelness of reality, only to discover that I wasn't alone. Peeta was indeed with me, I pulled my lips away from his.

"Peeta?" I was beginning to question my sanity.

He nodded.

"You're here, real or unreal?" I whispered, still unsure.

"Real, Katniss, real," he assured me.

I sobbed, holding on to him tightly in case it was my imagination.

"I thought you had stopped loving me," I said through tears.

"Never."

There were so many things I needed to tell him, but I was at loss as to where to begin.

"Peeta," I began, drawing in a deep breath.

"Shh…not now. We have all the time in the world. Right now all I want to do is hold you in my arms, and maybe some other things," he said pressing his body closer to mine, just in case I wasn't fully aware of that 'other things' he wanted to do.

I shivered involuntarily before remembering something.

"Wait…how did you find me? No one in town knows about this place," I asked, raising an inquiring eyebrow at him.

Peeta smirked at me.

"I followed you here," he replied.

"Followed me? How? Why didn't I hear you?" I inquired.

"I saw you running and trailed behind you. Apparently the games taught me to be stealthy."

"You're here…with me, promise you'll never leave me again," I breathed, cuddling closer to him, still not fully believing it.

"I promise, Katniss. There is so much to tell you and so much to talk about, but right now I need you like a dying man needs water," he murmured against my cheek.

"You have me, Peeta, all of me, you always did. I was just too blind to realize it," I said as I placed tiny kisses across his face.

Peeta's hands trailed down my back toward my thighs as a searing need burned through my body.  
He carried me out of the pond and into the cottage. When we were inside, Peeta pressed me up against the door and kissed my lips passionately.

Struggling for breath, we somehow found our way to the bed where he lay me there gently, his eyes roaming my body hungrily. Mine widened in surprise at his arousal.

"I want you," Peeta groaned.

"Take me," I moaned, reaching out for him.

And he did, our bodies fitting together until I swore they were one. Every touch was gentle and full of the love I thought I'd never get to experience. Even when we were no longer connected I needed to touch him and I found myself cuddled against him, our limbs tangled.

"I love you, Katniss Everdeen, girl on fire," he whispered before kissing my forehead gently.

"I love you, Peeta Mellark,my bread boy," I whispered back.

Just before we fell asleep, I realized how foolish I had been, there was no denying it; I belonged to Peeta heart, body and soul. With Peeta I felt whole again, not the shell of the human being I had once been.

For the first time in a long time, I fell asleep with a smile on my face and dreamt nothing but happy dreams.


End file.
